Slip Sliding Away

Dear Father - it's been 5 months since my last confession.  Please forgive me, for I am not well. Again.

I've known for a few weeks that I've not felt right, but today my wife told me so, too.

Yesterday, I came very close to crying whilst queuing up to go on The London Eye.  Right now - at 10pm - I want to go out and walk. Not to anywhere - just to keep walking and walking until I can't walk anymore. 

I think - I think I don't know who I am sometimes. Who is he? WHAT is he? I don't know the answers to these questions.  Does it matter? Do I actually matter?  Maybe not.

It hurts like hell for me to type this now, but I fully understand the last thing that my dad ever said to me before he died. "I'm happy now, son. You're settled, [your sister] is settled, and that's all that matters to me. I'm happy".  Imagine being that content that you are in a position to say goodbye to your eldest child in that way.  Fuck me that's special.

I am so sad right now.

I don't know what to do.

Dark Days

My god I'm low right now.

One minute I want to fight, the next I want to jump.  I don't know what to do. The way I see it, no matter which I choose, I'll likely lose everything anyway.

I've always tried hard to do the right thing but right now, I don't know what that is.

Sorry it didn't work out.

Symptoms

Hello there.

I am not sure if I'm being over sensitive, but all does not seem well in my head again.

It's the same time of year but without the same number of stresses. This time, I'm only aware of one thing which is bothering me. It's to do with my voluntary role and I can't be any more difficult than that unfortunately.

Christmas this year is coming in three parts. The first this weekend with my immediate family. Christmas Day with my wife's family, then boxing Day with my family and children again. I'm working a night shift on new years eve.

Yesterday I booked us a few nights away in a lodge in the middle of nowhere. We go on the 2nd January and that is very much my focus at the moment. That break, the relaxation, the detachment from society. I need that at the moment.

I don't know what made me come back here. I don't know if I'll be back again.

Dealing With Normal Stresses

It's the school Easter holidays and I have 4 of my 5 children here. It's lovely. 

The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is my youngest son, who is 9, going on 15.  He can be very challenging and yesterday, I was so very close to roaring at him over something as simple as a chicken pie. Typing that now, it seems ridiculous that I let myself get so wound up over it, but I did. I knew I was ready to explode and went and sat in the garden on my own to try and a) make sense of what was happening, and b) calm down.  I was unable to achieve "a", but I did eventually manage "b", thanks to my wife for her intervention in our row.


Today is my eleventh wedding anniversary and I feel like a very blessed person indeed. My wife is (in no particular order) beautiful, kind, funny, sexy as hell, my best friend, my confidante and last of all - the person with whom I am looking forward to growing old with. I adore her.

I will make her a nice breakfast when she wakes this morning and have booked a table at a lovely Italian restaurant nearby for a special meal tonight.  Our hot tub is up to heat and there is a bottle of prosecco in the fridge. I foresee a nice evening ahead.

Surprise!!!

So many times, I think I'm there - I'm "better" again.  It can be days, several sometimes, and I feel great. Then - out of the blue, something I've done for years - something simple like going to a meeting, can fill me with anxiety.  This is exactly what happened over the last few days.

We had a great weekend - I did some really positive things. On Friday night, my wife was volunteering at a youth club that my son goes to, so instead of sitting at home alone, I went to the local pub for a couple of hours.  I went alone, but as is the case in pubs, ended up chatting with complete strangers.  I enjoyed it.  Saturday and we had some old friends come round with their children for the evening. Another great night was had - culminating in some outstanding karaoke by yours truly.  Mothering Sunday saw my mother in law and sister in law join us for a meal and we had a lovely time.  Monday and a lady whom we have never met visited us.  She is a local radio journalist and newsreader and I've been "friends" with her for years on social media and we decided that we really should meet up. She spend most of Monday afternoon with us and it was genuinely lovely. She's a lovely woman and I think we've found a new friend.  By Monday evening I really thought - I'm there. I haven't felt any anxiety for days.

Then Tuesday happened. I had a routine committee meeting planned for 5pm for which I am vice-chair.  I am finding it difficult to find the words to best describe how I felt leading up to it.  From about lunchtime I had that feeling in my chest again. The feeling of angst. I tried to put it to one side, but if I'm honest - didn't really know how to.  Less than half an hour before the meeting, I emailed my apologies.  I felt so completely ridiculous sending the mail, but I had to do it. I just could not go to that meeting. 

This morning, I spoke to the boss at the place where the meeting was and told him why I wasn't able to go. (I've spoken to him before about my illness).  He was fine about it and said it really wasn't a problem. But I know it is.  That is the first time that anxiety has stopped me doing something and the realisation that that was what stopped me is scary and surprising in equal measures. 

A man is in my house right now, installing some additional plug sockets downstairs and replacing a radiator in my eldest sons bedroom. I've had to rip loads of the laminate flooring up in order to accommodate this, so I think I'll get it decorated next. He's not due to be here for over a week, so who knows - I might even be able to get it done before he arrives. I'll not rush it, though. That is something I learned from building our bar room. Taking my time over doing stuff works out quite well. 

OK, thanks for listening/reading. I'm off to make the man more coffee. 

Suppression

Who are YOU?  Are you true to yourself all of the time? The feelings you have, the passion you have - do you show it?

If you are true to yourself and you do show your passion - I admire you so much.  I have passion, too, but I can't show the passion I have for one particular thing that I love dearly - naturism.

A few days ago, a Twitter account I follow which belongs to the H&E Naturist magazine was calling on people to get in touch to tell the story of their naturist experiences.  I thought "I can do that!", so I did. I wrote over 800 words and emailed it off.  It covered everything from the very first time I remember being nude at the age of 5, right up to the current day. 

The editor of the magazine got in touch saying that she loved what I'd sent in and asked if I had any photographs to accompany the article.  And there is where the suppression starts. I have a tremendous photograph of myself and my wife, which would be the perfect accompaniment to the article, but I can't send it in.

My youngest son starts high school next September. Imagine if someone at school got that photo from the magazine? We all know how cruel children can be - his school life would be hell. I won't go in to the other two reasons that I can't send it on here, but what I will say is that it saddens me greatly that I am unable to show who I really am. My wife (who is also nude in the photo) had even given me the go-ahead to send it in. I'm so sad that I can't do this.

Trying to keep a positive outlook on... things; I had a visit from a friend today. We attended his wife's birthday party a few weeks ago and I used to work with him. He came round and we had a few brews and a good catch up for a few hours. It was really nice of him to take the time to visit me. Meant a lot, did that. 

I haven't seen my counsellor this week because she's off on annual leave. The same next week. Just when I feel that the sessions are of use, they seem to stop for a few weeks. Most frustrating.

I have an appointment with Dr Excellent (I have decided that is what I shall call her henceforth) tomorrow and we will discuss (amongst other things, no doubt) my return to work. My sick note covers me for the next 4 days.  I've given it a great deal of thought over the last few days. Some days, I think that I'm feeling OK about things and that I'm ready to go back. Then something insignificant will happen and I feel the stresses and anxiety that have somewhat debilitated me over the last few months come back.

To the best I can establish, I feel like I'm going in the right direction but I'm not quite there yet.  Think of it as a car driving round a city looking for somewhere to park.  I've had people telling me which way to turn to find the car park.  I've found the car park, but now I'm looking for a space to park in.  In saying that - I'm not sure how well I know myself anymore, so - I just don't know.

Today isn't a great day for me.  I'm sorry I've not written anything for a few days, but I've been riding on a wind of "I think I'm OK".  The wind has gone - and I've dropped out of the sky.

Who am I apologising to, anyway? I write this for me and me alone.

Anyway - I'll be on my way now.

Farewell.

Boil, Then Simmer

I'm not normally one for getting all angry about stuff, but right now I'm seething.

A child in my son's class pushed him over and hurt him yesterday. As well as the usual grazes and little cuts, he's got a big bruise right on his hip bone. The poor little man couldn't get to sleep last night due to the pain he was in. He lay there crying. It broke my heart.

Secondly, a pensioner has just scowled and shook his head at me whilst I was on my way to my counselling appointment.  I was turning left at a junction and he was coming from my left, turning right. He was cutting across the junction when I arrived at it, so had to stop and correct his position  on the road. You'd think I'd smeared shit all over his (yes, you guessed it) Nissan Micra. 

I am wound up at the moment and I know that is reflected in the way I drive  but I genuinely didn't do anything wrong on this occasion.

*Interlude for counselling session*

OK.  I've done another counselling session and I had a good old weep for the first time.  Weirdly, afterwards, I feel like we're getting somewhere with it now.  Not sure if that was related to the crying or not.

After the counselling session, I drove over to Leigh, in search of peppercorns (a missing ingredient for mushroom stroganoff).  My search was fruitless (peppercornless?), but what it did do was to calm me down a little. I changed the car radio station to Classic FM and absolutely stuck to speed limits, and it worked.

I got a bit stressed again later in the day when I had to get Luke from school, fly up to Horwich to collect my wife, then back to Wigan to get us to the dentist for a family appointment.  

Once home, I prepared and cooked the peppercornless stroganoff and it was double tasty. My wife suggested putting a bit of mustard powder in, as well as some dried chilli flakes and a whole load of black pepper. It was just the job. 

*Interlude for a good nights sleep*

I had a good sleep last night. First time in about 3 or 4 nights if I'm honest. I was becoming worried that I'd lost my ability to sleep properly again, but last night proved me wrong. Maybe it was the red wine we had with the meal, who knows?

Right - I've got tons of things to do, so I'm going to go and get them done.

Bye.