Suppression

Who are YOU?  Are you true to yourself all of the time? The feelings you have, the passion you have - do you show it?

If you are true to yourself and you do show your passion - I admire you so much.  I have passion, too, but I can't show the passion I have for one particular thing that I love dearly - naturism.

A few days ago, a Twitter account I follow which belongs to the H&E Naturist magazine was calling on people to get in touch to tell the story of their naturist experiences.  I thought "I can do that!", so I did. I wrote over 800 words and emailed it off.  It covered everything from the very first time I remember being nude at the age of 5, right up to the current day. 

The editor of the magazine got in touch saying that she loved what I'd sent in and asked if I had any photographs to accompany the article.  And there is where the suppression starts. I have a tremendous photograph of myself and my wife, which would be the perfect accompaniment to the article, but I can't send it in.

My youngest son starts high school next September. Imagine if someone at school got that photo from the magazine? We all know how cruel children can be - his school life would be hell. I won't go in to the other two reasons that I can't send it on here, but what I will say is that it saddens me greatly that I am unable to show who I really am. My wife (who is also nude in the photo) had even given me the go-ahead to send it in. I'm so sad that I can't do this.

Trying to keep a positive outlook on... things; I had a visit from a friend today. We attended his wife's birthday party a few weeks ago and I used to work with him. He came round and we had a few brews and a good catch up for a few hours. It was really nice of him to take the time to visit me. Meant a lot, did that. 

I haven't seen my counsellor this week because she's off on annual leave. The same next week. Just when I feel that the sessions are of use, they seem to stop for a few weeks. Most frustrating.

I have an appointment with Dr Excellent (I have decided that is what I shall call her henceforth) tomorrow and we will discuss (amongst other things, no doubt) my return to work. My sick note covers me for the next 4 days.  I've given it a great deal of thought over the last few days. Some days, I think that I'm feeling OK about things and that I'm ready to go back. Then something insignificant will happen and I feel the stresses and anxiety that have somewhat debilitated me over the last few months come back.

To the best I can establish, I feel like I'm going in the right direction but I'm not quite there yet.  Think of it as a car driving round a city looking for somewhere to park.  I've had people telling me which way to turn to find the car park.  I've found the car park, but now I'm looking for a space to park in.  In saying that - I'm not sure how well I know myself anymore, so - I just don't know.

Today isn't a great day for me.  I'm sorry I've not written anything for a few days, but I've been riding on a wind of "I think I'm OK".  The wind has gone - and I've dropped out of the sky.

Who am I apologising to, anyway? I write this for me and me alone.

Anyway - I'll be on my way now.

Farewell.