Surprise!!!

So many times, I think I'm there - I'm "better" again.  It can be days, several sometimes, and I feel great. Then - out of the blue, something I've done for years - something simple like going to a meeting, can fill me with anxiety.  This is exactly what happened over the last few days.

We had a great weekend - I did some really positive things. On Friday night, my wife was volunteering at a youth club that my son goes to, so instead of sitting at home alone, I went to the local pub for a couple of hours.  I went alone, but as is the case in pubs, ended up chatting with complete strangers.  I enjoyed it.  Saturday and we had some old friends come round with their children for the evening. Another great night was had - culminating in some outstanding karaoke by yours truly.  Mothering Sunday saw my mother in law and sister in law join us for a meal and we had a lovely time.  Monday and a lady whom we have never met visited us.  She is a local radio journalist and newsreader and I've been "friends" with her for years on social media and we decided that we really should meet up. She spend most of Monday afternoon with us and it was genuinely lovely. She's a lovely woman and I think we've found a new friend.  By Monday evening I really thought - I'm there. I haven't felt any anxiety for days.

Then Tuesday happened. I had a routine committee meeting planned for 5pm for which I am vice-chair.  I am finding it difficult to find the words to best describe how I felt leading up to it.  From about lunchtime I had that feeling in my chest again. The feeling of angst. I tried to put it to one side, but if I'm honest - didn't really know how to.  Less than half an hour before the meeting, I emailed my apologies.  I felt so completely ridiculous sending the mail, but I had to do it. I just could not go to that meeting. 

This morning, I spoke to the boss at the place where the meeting was and told him why I wasn't able to go. (I've spoken to him before about my illness).  He was fine about it and said it really wasn't a problem. But I know it is.  That is the first time that anxiety has stopped me doing something and the realisation that that was what stopped me is scary and surprising in equal measures. 

A man is in my house right now, installing some additional plug sockets downstairs and replacing a radiator in my eldest sons bedroom. I've had to rip loads of the laminate flooring up in order to accommodate this, so I think I'll get it decorated next. He's not due to be here for over a week, so who knows - I might even be able to get it done before he arrives. I'll not rush it, though. That is something I learned from building our bar room. Taking my time over doing stuff works out quite well. 

OK, thanks for listening/reading. I'm off to make the man more coffee.