Losing Inhibitions

I haven't counted how many times I've said it, but I'm going to say it again - my GP is amazing. It's been a long time since I've met such a beautiful human being and I'm very lucky to be able to talk to her as often as I do.

At this point, I ought to issue a disclaimer. This blog will feature a nude photo of me. It's all about inhibitions you see.  If the prospect of that offends, unnerves or in any other way makes you unhappy - feel free to look at this picture of kittens instead.

Myself, Debbie and Luke had a few days away in York this week. It was a lovely break and my word - what a truly stunning city.  York Minster really is something to behold. The scale, the grandeur, the incredible history - it's all mesmerising. I could have spent the whole day in there staring at the exceptional detail of the architecture. 

So - the city is beautiful, the minster is incredible and I'm with two people whom I love dearly.  I was grumpy, miserable, and dreaming of running away to stand naked on top of a hill - all alone.  How weird am I?  My wife and son went out hunting Pokemon and I waited in one of the seemingly billion of bars in York for them. I sat in a corner, out of the way of everyone. 

I only had a regular length appointment with my GP this morning, but whilst talking to her and trying to explain to her how I felt about things, in the middle of talking to me, she said something about how I need the attention of others to make me happy.  Now, if you know me, you'll know how comfortable I am being nude. I am by no means an Adonis - nowhere close, but - who needs to be? I am comfortable in my own skin and have no issues being like that at all - but my issue seems to be to do with when I'm clothed; I need affirmation. I need to learn to be me. 

I need to be silly, to lose my inhibitions and to not care what others think of me.  And the way my head works right now, it's easier for me to post this photo, rather than do that.  

And on that bum note - goodbye for now.

The End Is Nigh

Two days ago, my employer was all over the news because it announced it has put itself up for sale.

I really don't cope well with uncertainty and change in general, but it looks like things are going to be changing an awful lot.  I've not heard anything formal about redundancy, but then again - I've had ZERO contact with anyone from work, aside to notify them that I was going to be off work.  Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.


I sat down to write this post with all sorts of things in my that that I wanted to say, but  - it's gone. It's all gone.

Sorry. I'll try again some other time....  

Rihanna

Work work work work work, as the incredibly sexy Barbadian once sang (chanted?).

Following my visit to my brilliant GP on Friday, she advised me to stop taking the anti depressant medication completely.  Since reducing it to every other day, the effect it had on me was negligible.  "It's like a placebo", she said.  I took this on board - and ceased.  The last one I took was Thursday.

I have been studying me closely ever since and have observed the following:-

• I'm driving slightly more aggressively. Not dangerously, but certainly more like I "used" to drive, before I ever took medication.  
• I'm more "involved". I want to socialise more, both with friends and with my immediate family.

Now, the feelings that I'm having don't seem to make any sense because the tablets I was taking (I thought) were there to make me happier, yet I (think) I feel better not having them.  

Trying to analyse yet further, I wonder if it's the fact that I now have an outlet to speak to a professional - I wonder if it's that which has lightened my load. And partially - acceptance. Acceptance that I am ill, but - I'm getting better.  Acceptance that it's ok to not be as strong as I think I need to be. Acceptance that I have a loving family and friends around me who care.

I've just spoken with our friends from Blackpool and they're going to come down and spend the evening with us on Saturday. My children will be here that weekend, too, and as such, I'm really really looking forward to that. 

I've also been in touch with one of my close colleagues from work and I'm going to go and visit him in Skem this coming week, too. He's got some brewaria that he no longer wants and thought I might want it for our bar - which I do!  Work is the biggest hurdle for me now. The thought of going back worries me, but I know I have to do it.  

Right, I'm off for a vodka and lemonade and some pork scratchings! I don't always eat this healthily, by the way.... ;-)

Huh?

In my role as a school governor, we are encouraged to have a subject responsibility.  Mine is ICT.  As part of that responsibility, I maintain the school website and have the weekly newsletter sent to me by a member of staff, which I then convert and upload to the website before emailing it out to all parents / guardians.

Until about 5 minutes ago, I hadn't done one for 3 weeks!  I've seen the emails come in to my mailbox every week, but, for reasons I cannot fathom - I've not done it.  It takes about 3 minutes to perform the process for each newsletter, so it wasn't a time constraint.  I cannot understand why I would have got to a position where I had 3 ready to process.  

I've done them all now, but I'm sat here, trying to understand myself - and I don't. I'm so weird.

My counselling went well this morning. I felt as if the counsellor used today's session to build up a picture of me - the type of person I am.  Either way, I spoke loads - she listened, nodded and asked me questions based on what I'd said.  It was good.

I'm off to climb a ladder.

Goodbye again....

Day One

I'm getting ready to leave the house to go and have my first counselling appointment.  I feel so anxious.

The lady I'm going to see is lovely.  I saw her last week for my "evaluation" appointment. That isn't the right word, but you know what I mean. 

My head feels so... disorganised (more so than usual, before anyone makes any comments!).  These last few weeks whilst I've not been in work, I've been focusing on doing one or two tasks per day and, in the main, that's been ok. Some days, I simply haven't been arsed to do whatever task I'd given myself.  I've done well avoiding sleeping in the day and my sleeping at night is improving.  My jaw clenching still happens and that really annoys me. 

I think not being in work the last few weeks has eased my worries about redundancy.  I have made SUCH a concerted effort to not think about it a single bit and I've done well. Even when we were in Manchester last weekend, I walked right past the place I work and didn't even look at it. In fact, the only time I did look at it was when my son asked which building I work in.

I bank with the people I work for and I've had an email notification that there will be "planned maintenance" for an extended period this coming weekend. I know that if all goes well for them, that is a huge step towards my redundancy happening.  A few times I've thought about contacting people in work to ask how it's going, but I've not done it and I think I feel better for not doing it.  The way I feel now, if I got a phone call today telling me that I was being made redundant, I'd be delighted.

I've spoken to the Headteacher at the school where I am a governor and told him that I am going to continue to be the interim Chair of Governors for another month. An election has been arranged to arrange a successor. 

Right - time for me to go to my appointment.  

Goodbye....

The Balance

Hi there.

My blogging has slowed down somewhat over the last week.  I have struggled with feeling disconnected from myself this week. I spoke with my GP about it and she suggested I lower the dose of medication I'm taking by skipping every other day.  I implemented that strategy immediately and it seems to be going ok so far!

I've been keeping myself busy this week by chipping away at finishing the bar counter at home. On Thursday night, my wife and I were chatting with some friends of ours and we made a spur of the moment decision to invite them and their son (who is almost the same age as ours) to come and stay with us on Friday night. I knew I was close to finishing the bar, so figured it would be ok.

Friday morning came, and I made a start. I paused mid morning to visit my GP for what has become my regular weekly appointment.  I have to say, I am so incredibly grateful to her for giving me so much time. After getting home from my appointment, I resumed. It was then the scale of what I had to do in order to get the bar ready for use hit me. On the face of it, there wasn't much, but I've been quite anal when it's come to the details and I haven't rushed any of the build so far so why start now?  I contacted our friends at lunchtime and with apologies, cancelled them.

I immediately felt the pressure lift and was able to proceed at my own pace.  The rest of the afternoon went really well and I actually got it finished at about 5pm.  My wife came home from work and seemed very very impressed by what I'd achieved. So did I, actually.  She suggested that our friends still visited, but didn't stay the night.  I'd had zero time to get bedrooms sorted for them, so that was my only concern by that point. Earlier on, I'd felt completely overwhelmed by the thought of "having" to entertain - which is daft.  They're a lovely couple and we get on so well with each other, so my feelings made no real sense.  Anyway, they arrived at about 7:30 and we had a great evening together.

Allow me to present.... Bar François

Yesterday (Saturday), I took my wife and son in to Manchester as they had tickets to watch Strictly Come Dancing at the arena. My sister in law, niece, nephew and mother in law also attended.  I took my camera with me, with the intention of parking up somewhere just outside the city and wandering round, taking photographs.  I dropped them off, and had a drive round a few locations to look for inspiration.  I found none.  Plus, it was a bit chilly, so I decided to stay in the car and watch my beloved Everton play Bournemouth instead!  Everton won 6-3.  It was a great game to watch. 

When their show had finished, we met up in Manchester and went to Frankie and Benny's for some food and there ended a lovely day out for everyone. 

Thinking about my day, all I did was drive, watch football and eat out, nothing majorly special, but I really enjoyed being out. Being somewhere other than Wigan.  I love Wigan, but it was nice to go somewhere else for a change. 

Today is Sunday, and as we did a fortnight ago, we've decided to have a family walk over to Sainsbury's later today. Again - not the most exciting thing in the world, but it's the little details that make me happy.  

This week, I am looking forward to my first counselling session and my regular weekly appointment with my GP.  I might even clean out our hot tub and bring it back in to service for the first time in several months.  I'm also going to try and get out on my bike this week. My wife bought me a new seat for Christmas, so I think that needs trying out.

I'm so relieved that I've been able to sit and write this blog post.  I have felt so anxious this last week, that my ability to empty my head on to my keyboard had gone.  I've lost count of how many times I've said, or thought, that the way I'm thinking about things recently is weird - but it is.  I still feel that I'm not me, but less so compared to the way I've felt in the last week.

I can't wait to go to Clover Spa.

Bye for now.