Acceptance

I've got depression.
I'm suffering with depression.
I've been diagnosed with depression.
I'm depressed.
What do you say, when you choose to tell people?
Who do you tell?
If you don't tell people - why not?
Are you ashamed?
Are you embarrassed?
Are you a failure because you're not strong enough to deal with it?
Will people think less of you?
Will my wife think I'm less of a man because of this? 

And there we have a selection of what's in my head right now. 

Any road up, my GP prescribed me some tablets to help me sleep. She was very apprehensive about doing so, but based on just how little sleep I've been getting she (and I) thought it was the right thing to do.  

If ever I have a headache, or a hangover or anything that makes people reach for the paracetamol - I don't. I always try and address the underlying reason. More often than not, my headache will be down to dehydration - so i drink lots of water.   Basically - I'm generally not a "tablety" kind of person, so the prospect of potentially being prescribed medication for anything like this doesn't always sit comfortably with me.

In addition to that, she advised me that I could only take this medication for a week at most because they can be very addictive. 

The first time of taking one, within half an hour, I felt drunk. Like, when you drink a lot - quickly, and you get that buzz - it was that. It was followed shortly after by six whole hours sleep. Bliss. I only ever took half a tablet at a time, partly because I was a tad apprehensive of the effects of them, and partly because I didn't want to become addicted to them.  

I visited my ace GP again yesterday as it's been a week since I first got the sleeping tablets and I can confirm I am not an addict.  Go me.  However, I can completely understand how some people could become addicted to the relief that they give.  My GP talked to me and asked how I was and, as ever, I was honest. I feel the same. I have the same low moments and whilst the sleep situation is better now - I am anxious about whether or not it will continue now that I'm not allowed to take tablets anymore to help me.

I took myself off in to the local wilderness and spent a couple of hours taking photographs of stuff this week. I know it sounds dead wanky, but I enjoy doing stuff like that, and one of the things that my GP told me to do was to do things that I enjoy. So I did.

I think I am now at the stage where I have accepted that I have an illness. I'm mad, me.