Dark Days

My god I'm low right now.

One minute I want to fight, the next I want to jump.  I don't know what to do. The way I see it, no matter which I choose, I'll likely lose everything anyway.

I've always tried hard to do the right thing but right now, I don't know what that is.

Sorry it didn't work out.

Symptoms

Hello there.

I am not sure if I'm being over sensitive, but all does not seem well in my head again.

It's the same time of year but without the same number of stresses. This time, I'm only aware of one thing which is bothering me. It's to do with my voluntary role and I can't be any more difficult than that unfortunately.

Christmas this year is coming in three parts. The first this weekend with my immediate family. Christmas Day with my wife's family, then boxing Day with my family and children again. I'm working a night shift on new years eve.

Yesterday I booked us a few nights away in a lodge in the middle of nowhere. We go on the 2nd January and that is very much my focus at the moment. That break, the relaxation, the detachment from society. I need that at the moment.

I don't know what made me come back here. I don't know if I'll be back again.

Dealing With Normal Stresses

It's the school Easter holidays and I have 4 of my 5 children here. It's lovely. 

The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is my youngest son, who is 9, going on 15.  He can be very challenging and yesterday, I was so very close to roaring at him over something as simple as a chicken pie. Typing that now, it seems ridiculous that I let myself get so wound up over it, but I did. I knew I was ready to explode and went and sat in the garden on my own to try and a) make sense of what was happening, and b) calm down.  I was unable to achieve "a", but I did eventually manage "b", thanks to my wife for her intervention in our row.


Today is my eleventh wedding anniversary and I feel like a very blessed person indeed. My wife is (in no particular order) beautiful, kind, funny, sexy as hell, my best friend, my confidante and last of all - the person with whom I am looking forward to growing old with. I adore her.

I will make her a nice breakfast when she wakes this morning and have booked a table at a lovely Italian restaurant nearby for a special meal tonight.  Our hot tub is up to heat and there is a bottle of prosecco in the fridge. I foresee a nice evening ahead.

Surprise!!!

So many times, I think I'm there - I'm "better" again.  It can be days, several sometimes, and I feel great. Then - out of the blue, something I've done for years - something simple like going to a meeting, can fill me with anxiety.  This is exactly what happened over the last few days.

We had a great weekend - I did some really positive things. On Friday night, my wife was volunteering at a youth club that my son goes to, so instead of sitting at home alone, I went to the local pub for a couple of hours.  I went alone, but as is the case in pubs, ended up chatting with complete strangers.  I enjoyed it.  Saturday and we had some old friends come round with their children for the evening. Another great night was had - culminating in some outstanding karaoke by yours truly.  Mothering Sunday saw my mother in law and sister in law join us for a meal and we had a lovely time.  Monday and a lady whom we have never met visited us.  She is a local radio journalist and newsreader and I've been "friends" with her for years on social media and we decided that we really should meet up. She spend most of Monday afternoon with us and it was genuinely lovely. She's a lovely woman and I think we've found a new friend.  By Monday evening I really thought - I'm there. I haven't felt any anxiety for days.

Then Tuesday happened. I had a routine committee meeting planned for 5pm for which I am vice-chair.  I am finding it difficult to find the words to best describe how I felt leading up to it.  From about lunchtime I had that feeling in my chest again. The feeling of angst. I tried to put it to one side, but if I'm honest - didn't really know how to.  Less than half an hour before the meeting, I emailed my apologies.  I felt so completely ridiculous sending the mail, but I had to do it. I just could not go to that meeting. 

This morning, I spoke to the boss at the place where the meeting was and told him why I wasn't able to go. (I've spoken to him before about my illness).  He was fine about it and said it really wasn't a problem. But I know it is.  That is the first time that anxiety has stopped me doing something and the realisation that that was what stopped me is scary and surprising in equal measures. 

A man is in my house right now, installing some additional plug sockets downstairs and replacing a radiator in my eldest sons bedroom. I've had to rip loads of the laminate flooring up in order to accommodate this, so I think I'll get it decorated next. He's not due to be here for over a week, so who knows - I might even be able to get it done before he arrives. I'll not rush it, though. That is something I learned from building our bar room. Taking my time over doing stuff works out quite well. 

OK, thanks for listening/reading. I'm off to make the man more coffee. 

Suppression

Who are YOU?  Are you true to yourself all of the time? The feelings you have, the passion you have - do you show it?

If you are true to yourself and you do show your passion - I admire you so much.  I have passion, too, but I can't show the passion I have for one particular thing that I love dearly - naturism.

A few days ago, a Twitter account I follow which belongs to the H&E Naturist magazine was calling on people to get in touch to tell the story of their naturist experiences.  I thought "I can do that!", so I did. I wrote over 800 words and emailed it off.  It covered everything from the very first time I remember being nude at the age of 5, right up to the current day. 

The editor of the magazine got in touch saying that she loved what I'd sent in and asked if I had any photographs to accompany the article.  And there is where the suppression starts. I have a tremendous photograph of myself and my wife, which would be the perfect accompaniment to the article, but I can't send it in.

My youngest son starts high school next September. Imagine if someone at school got that photo from the magazine? We all know how cruel children can be - his school life would be hell. I won't go in to the other two reasons that I can't send it on here, but what I will say is that it saddens me greatly that I am unable to show who I really am. My wife (who is also nude in the photo) had even given me the go-ahead to send it in. I'm so sad that I can't do this.

Trying to keep a positive outlook on... things; I had a visit from a friend today. We attended his wife's birthday party a few weeks ago and I used to work with him. He came round and we had a few brews and a good catch up for a few hours. It was really nice of him to take the time to visit me. Meant a lot, did that. 

I haven't seen my counsellor this week because she's off on annual leave. The same next week. Just when I feel that the sessions are of use, they seem to stop for a few weeks. Most frustrating.

I have an appointment with Dr Excellent (I have decided that is what I shall call her henceforth) tomorrow and we will discuss (amongst other things, no doubt) my return to work. My sick note covers me for the next 4 days.  I've given it a great deal of thought over the last few days. Some days, I think that I'm feeling OK about things and that I'm ready to go back. Then something insignificant will happen and I feel the stresses and anxiety that have somewhat debilitated me over the last few months come back.

To the best I can establish, I feel like I'm going in the right direction but I'm not quite there yet.  Think of it as a car driving round a city looking for somewhere to park.  I've had people telling me which way to turn to find the car park.  I've found the car park, but now I'm looking for a space to park in.  In saying that - I'm not sure how well I know myself anymore, so - I just don't know.

Today isn't a great day for me.  I'm sorry I've not written anything for a few days, but I've been riding on a wind of "I think I'm OK".  The wind has gone - and I've dropped out of the sky.

Who am I apologising to, anyway? I write this for me and me alone.

Anyway - I'll be on my way now.

Farewell.

Boil, Then Simmer

I'm not normally one for getting all angry about stuff, but right now I'm seething.

A child in my son's class pushed him over and hurt him yesterday. As well as the usual grazes and little cuts, he's got a big bruise right on his hip bone. The poor little man couldn't get to sleep last night due to the pain he was in. He lay there crying. It broke my heart.

Secondly, a pensioner has just scowled and shook his head at me whilst I was on my way to my counselling appointment.  I was turning left at a junction and he was coming from my left, turning right. He was cutting across the junction when I arrived at it, so had to stop and correct his position  on the road. You'd think I'd smeared shit all over his (yes, you guessed it) Nissan Micra. 

I am wound up at the moment and I know that is reflected in the way I drive  but I genuinely didn't do anything wrong on this occasion.

*Interlude for counselling session*

OK.  I've done another counselling session and I had a good old weep for the first time.  Weirdly, afterwards, I feel like we're getting somewhere with it now.  Not sure if that was related to the crying or not.

After the counselling session, I drove over to Leigh, in search of peppercorns (a missing ingredient for mushroom stroganoff).  My search was fruitless (peppercornless?), but what it did do was to calm me down a little. I changed the car radio station to Classic FM and absolutely stuck to speed limits, and it worked.

I got a bit stressed again later in the day when I had to get Luke from school, fly up to Horwich to collect my wife, then back to Wigan to get us to the dentist for a family appointment.  

Once home, I prepared and cooked the peppercornless stroganoff and it was double tasty. My wife suggested putting a bit of mustard powder in, as well as some dried chilli flakes and a whole load of black pepper. It was just the job. 

*Interlude for a good nights sleep*

I had a good sleep last night. First time in about 3 or 4 nights if I'm honest. I was becoming worried that I'd lost my ability to sleep properly again, but last night proved me wrong. Maybe it was the red wine we had with the meal, who knows?

Right - I've got tons of things to do, so I'm going to go and get them done.

Bye.

Losing Inhibitions

I haven't counted how many times I've said it, but I'm going to say it again - my GP is amazing. It's been a long time since I've met such a beautiful human being and I'm very lucky to be able to talk to her as often as I do.

At this point, I ought to issue a disclaimer. This blog will feature a nude photo of me. It's all about inhibitions you see.  If the prospect of that offends, unnerves or in any other way makes you unhappy - feel free to look at this picture of kittens instead.

Myself, Debbie and Luke had a few days away in York this week. It was a lovely break and my word - what a truly stunning city.  York Minster really is something to behold. The scale, the grandeur, the incredible history - it's all mesmerising. I could have spent the whole day in there staring at the exceptional detail of the architecture. 

So - the city is beautiful, the minster is incredible and I'm with two people whom I love dearly.  I was grumpy, miserable, and dreaming of running away to stand naked on top of a hill - all alone.  How weird am I?  My wife and son went out hunting Pokemon and I waited in one of the seemingly billion of bars in York for them. I sat in a corner, out of the way of everyone. 

I only had a regular length appointment with my GP this morning, but whilst talking to her and trying to explain to her how I felt about things, in the middle of talking to me, she said something about how I need the attention of others to make me happy.  Now, if you know me, you'll know how comfortable I am being nude. I am by no means an Adonis - nowhere close, but - who needs to be? I am comfortable in my own skin and have no issues being like that at all - but my issue seems to be to do with when I'm clothed; I need affirmation. I need to learn to be me. 

I need to be silly, to lose my inhibitions and to not care what others think of me.  And the way my head works right now, it's easier for me to post this photo, rather than do that.  

And on that bum note - goodbye for now.

The End Is Nigh

Two days ago, my employer was all over the news because it announced it has put itself up for sale.

I really don't cope well with uncertainty and change in general, but it looks like things are going to be changing an awful lot.  I've not heard anything formal about redundancy, but then again - I've had ZERO contact with anyone from work, aside to notify them that I was going to be off work.  Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.


I sat down to write this post with all sorts of things in my that that I wanted to say, but  - it's gone. It's all gone.

Sorry. I'll try again some other time....  

Rihanna

Work work work work work, as the incredibly sexy Barbadian once sang (chanted?).

Following my visit to my brilliant GP on Friday, she advised me to stop taking the anti depressant medication completely.  Since reducing it to every other day, the effect it had on me was negligible.  "It's like a placebo", she said.  I took this on board - and ceased.  The last one I took was Thursday.

I have been studying me closely ever since and have observed the following:-

• I'm driving slightly more aggressively. Not dangerously, but certainly more like I "used" to drive, before I ever took medication.  
• I'm more "involved". I want to socialise more, both with friends and with my immediate family.

Now, the feelings that I'm having don't seem to make any sense because the tablets I was taking (I thought) were there to make me happier, yet I (think) I feel better not having them.  

Trying to analyse yet further, I wonder if it's the fact that I now have an outlet to speak to a professional - I wonder if it's that which has lightened my load. And partially - acceptance. Acceptance that I am ill, but - I'm getting better.  Acceptance that it's ok to not be as strong as I think I need to be. Acceptance that I have a loving family and friends around me who care.

I've just spoken with our friends from Blackpool and they're going to come down and spend the evening with us on Saturday. My children will be here that weekend, too, and as such, I'm really really looking forward to that. 

I've also been in touch with one of my close colleagues from work and I'm going to go and visit him in Skem this coming week, too. He's got some brewaria that he no longer wants and thought I might want it for our bar - which I do!  Work is the biggest hurdle for me now. The thought of going back worries me, but I know I have to do it.  

Right, I'm off for a vodka and lemonade and some pork scratchings! I don't always eat this healthily, by the way.... ;-)

Huh?

In my role as a school governor, we are encouraged to have a subject responsibility.  Mine is ICT.  As part of that responsibility, I maintain the school website and have the weekly newsletter sent to me by a member of staff, which I then convert and upload to the website before emailing it out to all parents / guardians.

Until about 5 minutes ago, I hadn't done one for 3 weeks!  I've seen the emails come in to my mailbox every week, but, for reasons I cannot fathom - I've not done it.  It takes about 3 minutes to perform the process for each newsletter, so it wasn't a time constraint.  I cannot understand why I would have got to a position where I had 3 ready to process.  

I've done them all now, but I'm sat here, trying to understand myself - and I don't. I'm so weird.

My counselling went well this morning. I felt as if the counsellor used today's session to build up a picture of me - the type of person I am.  Either way, I spoke loads - she listened, nodded and asked me questions based on what I'd said.  It was good.

I'm off to climb a ladder.

Goodbye again....

Day One

I'm getting ready to leave the house to go and have my first counselling appointment.  I feel so anxious.

The lady I'm going to see is lovely.  I saw her last week for my "evaluation" appointment. That isn't the right word, but you know what I mean. 

My head feels so... disorganised (more so than usual, before anyone makes any comments!).  These last few weeks whilst I've not been in work, I've been focusing on doing one or two tasks per day and, in the main, that's been ok. Some days, I simply haven't been arsed to do whatever task I'd given myself.  I've done well avoiding sleeping in the day and my sleeping at night is improving.  My jaw clenching still happens and that really annoys me. 

I think not being in work the last few weeks has eased my worries about redundancy.  I have made SUCH a concerted effort to not think about it a single bit and I've done well. Even when we were in Manchester last weekend, I walked right past the place I work and didn't even look at it. In fact, the only time I did look at it was when my son asked which building I work in.

I bank with the people I work for and I've had an email notification that there will be "planned maintenance" for an extended period this coming weekend. I know that if all goes well for them, that is a huge step towards my redundancy happening.  A few times I've thought about contacting people in work to ask how it's going, but I've not done it and I think I feel better for not doing it.  The way I feel now, if I got a phone call today telling me that I was being made redundant, I'd be delighted.

I've spoken to the Headteacher at the school where I am a governor and told him that I am going to continue to be the interim Chair of Governors for another month. An election has been arranged to arrange a successor. 

Right - time for me to go to my appointment.  

Goodbye....

The Balance

Hi there.

My blogging has slowed down somewhat over the last week.  I have struggled with feeling disconnected from myself this week. I spoke with my GP about it and she suggested I lower the dose of medication I'm taking by skipping every other day.  I implemented that strategy immediately and it seems to be going ok so far!

I've been keeping myself busy this week by chipping away at finishing the bar counter at home. On Thursday night, my wife and I were chatting with some friends of ours and we made a spur of the moment decision to invite them and their son (who is almost the same age as ours) to come and stay with us on Friday night. I knew I was close to finishing the bar, so figured it would be ok.

Friday morning came, and I made a start. I paused mid morning to visit my GP for what has become my regular weekly appointment.  I have to say, I am so incredibly grateful to her for giving me so much time. After getting home from my appointment, I resumed. It was then the scale of what I had to do in order to get the bar ready for use hit me. On the face of it, there wasn't much, but I've been quite anal when it's come to the details and I haven't rushed any of the build so far so why start now?  I contacted our friends at lunchtime and with apologies, cancelled them.

I immediately felt the pressure lift and was able to proceed at my own pace.  The rest of the afternoon went really well and I actually got it finished at about 5pm.  My wife came home from work and seemed very very impressed by what I'd achieved. So did I, actually.  She suggested that our friends still visited, but didn't stay the night.  I'd had zero time to get bedrooms sorted for them, so that was my only concern by that point. Earlier on, I'd felt completely overwhelmed by the thought of "having" to entertain - which is daft.  They're a lovely couple and we get on so well with each other, so my feelings made no real sense.  Anyway, they arrived at about 7:30 and we had a great evening together.

Allow me to present.... Bar François

Yesterday (Saturday), I took my wife and son in to Manchester as they had tickets to watch Strictly Come Dancing at the arena. My sister in law, niece, nephew and mother in law also attended.  I took my camera with me, with the intention of parking up somewhere just outside the city and wandering round, taking photographs.  I dropped them off, and had a drive round a few locations to look for inspiration.  I found none.  Plus, it was a bit chilly, so I decided to stay in the car and watch my beloved Everton play Bournemouth instead!  Everton won 6-3.  It was a great game to watch. 

When their show had finished, we met up in Manchester and went to Frankie and Benny's for some food and there ended a lovely day out for everyone. 

Thinking about my day, all I did was drive, watch football and eat out, nothing majorly special, but I really enjoyed being out. Being somewhere other than Wigan.  I love Wigan, but it was nice to go somewhere else for a change. 

Today is Sunday, and as we did a fortnight ago, we've decided to have a family walk over to Sainsbury's later today. Again - not the most exciting thing in the world, but it's the little details that make me happy.  

This week, I am looking forward to my first counselling session and my regular weekly appointment with my GP.  I might even clean out our hot tub and bring it back in to service for the first time in several months.  I'm also going to try and get out on my bike this week. My wife bought me a new seat for Christmas, so I think that needs trying out.

I'm so relieved that I've been able to sit and write this blog post.  I have felt so anxious this last week, that my ability to empty my head on to my keyboard had gone.  I've lost count of how many times I've said, or thought, that the way I'm thinking about things recently is weird - but it is.  I still feel that I'm not me, but less so compared to the way I've felt in the last week.

I can't wait to go to Clover Spa.

Bye for now.

A Bit Of A Whirl

The last few days seem to have been a bit of a whirl.  

We had my children with us at the weekend and it was lovely. I got to see my eldest (pregnant) daughter for the first time this year.  I'm really impressed with her positive outlook regarding the pregnancy. She's completely drained of energy and is forever being sick, but still she keeps smiling. I'm very proud.

I spent time playing darts with my eldest son on Saturday night. We have a playroom at home, in which we have a dartboard.  He's a good player and I really enjoyed the time spent with him.  He tends not to let his emotions show but being his dad, I generally know when he's happy - and he was happy on Saturday.

I'm really struggling to sleep at the moment. I feel a bit like I'm back where I was a fortnight ago, before I started taking the prescribed sleeping medication.  A side effect of the depression medication is insomnia. I've been taking it for over a week now and have probably had 2 nights where I've slept through.  I feel like I'm slipping and look forward to discussing this with my GP this coming week.

On the plus side, I had a call from the counselling people today. They're going to see me tomorrow to asses my needs.  I feel worried about this because now that the depression medication has properly kicked in, I feel kind of numb when it comes to emotions.  I'll just be honest about how I feel and see how it goes.

My friend visited me yesterday. He drove all the way from Blackpool to spend a few hours with me at the local pub. We played pool and chatted for ages. He just wanted to make sure I was ok. I felt so humbled by this gesture and I will forever be grateful to him for that.

Speaking of grateful, I have just remembered I told myself I'd do 5 things a day that I was grateful for.

1. I am grateful for my son waking up happy this morning. We had such a lovely time together before I took him to school today.
2. I am grateful for bending and stretching. I've done a lot of that today whilst painting a wall.
3. I am grateful for people wanting my opinion. I've been to school today in my capacity as a governor to meet a prospective new governor and it was very good.

I'm done. My head is too fuzzy tonight.  

Goodbye

Positivity

I can't remember why I didn't write a post on Wednesday. But I do know why I didn't write one yesterday - I was absolutely off my tits.

The medication that my GP has prescribed made me feel so.... weird. But the weirdness came in waves. I was like a zombie then perfectly lucid. Tired, dizzy and clamping my jaw shut so much I was worried I was going to damage my teeth.  I woke up in the night in that exact state of jaw clamping and I can tell you - that took some thinking through at 4am.  Why is my jaw so tight? Relax - relax.... Then a few minutes later - it's tight again.  Most bizarre indeed. It still happens now and I'm worried it's going to become habitual, rather than as a consequence of the medication I'm on.

I have been back to see my GP again this morning.  In fact - we spoke about this very blog.  She made a note of the address and has promised to read it.  That's a bit odd for me, knowing that she's going to read these words, but I'll try and not let it change what I write, or how I write (sorry for the swear words!)

This blog is a release for me.  Once I've got an appointment to speak to someone professionally, I'm sure my need to update this will subside, just like my need to visit the counsellor did once I knew I was "better" all those years ago.

I need to try and be positive about things. Taking inspiration from Gemma's "The Attitude of Gratitude" Facebook group, I will try and find ten things a day for which I am grateful.

1. Our kitchen is a mess and I need to clean it. I am grateful that we have a lovely kitchen, in which we can prepare food to feed ourselves and those we love.
2. I am going to Wales this afternoon to collect my children for the weekend.  I am grateful to have a reliable car to get us there and back safely.
3. Today, we will see my eldest daughter for the first time since before Christmas. She is pregnant.  I am grateful for the gift of life. 
4. I am grateful that we have been able to book a weekend away at Clover Spa in April. It's a naturist hotel and one of the few places where I feel completely relaxed.
5. I am grateful for the love and support that my wife has, and continues to show me. It means everything. 
6. I am grateful for my GP. She has gone above and beyond anything I could have expected. She has taken so much time to listen to me, to get to know me and to understand me. I am very grateful indeed.
7. I am grateful for my technology skills. I have successfully built a multi room audio system using Raspberry Pi's. 
8. I am grateful to the post lady who has just delivered a letter from the counselling service asking me to ring a number to make an appointment. I will do exactly that right now - hang on a minute, please......
9. I am grateful for telephone answering machines. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to leave a message for the counselling people to ring me back.
10. I am grateful for Bluetooth. I will have an earpiece in my ear hole as I drive to and from Wales this afternoon. Hopefully, I will use it to speak to the counselling people!

That's enough gratitude for one day. With hindsight, I think I'll carry on doing five things a day. Ten seems like too many, once it's all written down.

Anyways, I am going to go and clean the kitchen and start to prepare tonight's meal.

Until next time...

Numb

Numb is exactly how I feel right now. Maybe spaced out, too. I was all for deleting this blog last night. Thought it was a load of old bollocks and no use to me.

I've finished making the structure for a bar counter at home. It's genuinely really good, but I can't get excited about it. I just need to go and buy a worktop from a local timber merchants and it's as good as done. I've not gone today because I cannot remember if my wife wanted a rounded edge to it or not.  I'm hoping to be able to get it bought, cut and fitted tomorrow. 

I'm sitting here in a t-shirt and shorts and my feet are freezing cold. Why always the feet? I know they're an extremity, but so are hands, and mine never feel cold indoors.

I think I may have aggravated my tinnitus earlier on, whilst cutting a bolt with a saw. I walked all round the house, looking for the source of the sound of water rushing out of a pipe. I put my fingers in my ears when I couldn't find it and discovered that the noise was in my head. That noise has gone now, but my right ear is having a good old ring, still.

Right, I'm going to finish my 4th brew (LOVE brews), have a shower and go and get my son from school. Then home, and make a chilli for tea.

Stay tuned for another uneventful episode coming soon.... 

Hurdles

I did it. I just took a tablet.

Today, my wife, son and I went for  a walk to the shops. I was desperate to get out for some fresh air, so off we went. On the way there and on the way back, I was snappy and irritable. I kept barking at my son and generally giving him no space to have a nice time.  I wasn't aware I'd behaved like this - it took my wife to tell me.

At first, I resisted and was adamant that I wasn't behaving irrationally.  I took time and analysed what I'd said and how I'd said it and quickly came to the conclusion that I need to take the tablets.

So I did.  Let's see how this pans out then.....

Uncle Excitements

When I visited my GP yesterday, she spent such a long time talking to me about coping with my illness. I talked to her about losing my mum when I was 13. She told me that she is a practising Christian and she is able to use her religion to diffuse anger and overcome adverse situations.  I told her I used to be an altar boy when I was younger but said that I had long since given up on my religion.  My mum was 2nd only to the pope in terms of being dead religious. She did so much for and with the church, I can't even begin to compile a list.  So - how can someone who gives so much be taken away from her husband, 6 year old daughter and 13 year old son? How is that fair? It's a fucking despicable way to treat someone who has given so much. And, whilst not exclusively, that is a major contributing factor to me renouncing my religion. 

I still have anger. I am snappy. Short tempered, short fused. Call it what you will. We spoke for a long time, and, once again with reluctance but also with assurances that it's for the best, my GP prescribed me some anti-depressants. Now this - frightens me. I've never taken recreational, mind-altering drugs and even though these are legal and prescribed, that's how I see them.  They are designed to increase the levels of serotonin in my brain and make me generally be a bit more laid back and happier. On the face of it, that is a good thing, but the thought of taking them really scares me. Honestly - I'm not even sure I'm going to.  I should, I know I should, but right now, I'm battling with myself over whether or not I can. 

Acceptance

I've got depression.
I'm suffering with depression.
I've been diagnosed with depression.
I'm depressed.
What do you say, when you choose to tell people?
Who do you tell?
If you don't tell people - why not?
Are you ashamed?
Are you embarrassed?
Are you a failure because you're not strong enough to deal with it?
Will people think less of you?
Will my wife think I'm less of a man because of this? 

And there we have a selection of what's in my head right now. 

Any road up, my GP prescribed me some tablets to help me sleep. She was very apprehensive about doing so, but based on just how little sleep I've been getting she (and I) thought it was the right thing to do.  

If ever I have a headache, or a hangover or anything that makes people reach for the paracetamol - I don't. I always try and address the underlying reason. More often than not, my headache will be down to dehydration - so i drink lots of water.   Basically - I'm generally not a "tablety" kind of person, so the prospect of potentially being prescribed medication for anything like this doesn't always sit comfortably with me.

In addition to that, she advised me that I could only take this medication for a week at most because they can be very addictive. 

The first time of taking one, within half an hour, I felt drunk. Like, when you drink a lot - quickly, and you get that buzz - it was that. It was followed shortly after by six whole hours sleep. Bliss. I only ever took half a tablet at a time, partly because I was a tad apprehensive of the effects of them, and partly because I didn't want to become addicted to them.  

I visited my ace GP again yesterday as it's been a week since I first got the sleeping tablets and I can confirm I am not an addict.  Go me.  However, I can completely understand how some people could become addicted to the relief that they give.  My GP talked to me and asked how I was and, as ever, I was honest. I feel the same. I have the same low moments and whilst the sleep situation is better now - I am anxious about whether or not it will continue now that I'm not allowed to take tablets anymore to help me.

I took myself off in to the local wilderness and spent a couple of hours taking photographs of stuff this week. I know it sounds dead wanky, but I enjoy doing stuff like that, and one of the things that my GP told me to do was to do things that I enjoy. So I did.

I think I am now at the stage where I have accepted that I have an illness. I'm mad, me. 

New Year - Old Me

Towards the end of 2016, I became increasingly aware that I wasn't getting enough sleep.  I did my best to self manage this by trying to change when, where and how long I slept for, but nothing seemed to work. Between the morning of the 4th January 2017, and the morning of the 6th January, I estimate I had no more than 4 hours sleep. It literally felt like the lack of sleep was killing me.  I admitted defeat, and made an appointment with my GP surgery.

The Doctor who saw me was quite remarkable. I hadn't seen her before but, you know when you can just tell someone really cares about what they do - well, that was her.  She listened to me pleading for help with my sleep pattern. I explained how I've worked crazy shifts for over 13 years and generally, I've been ok with my sleeping.

She went on to ask me all kinds of questions about lifestyle, drink, drugs, etc.,  the usual stuff.  She then asked me if it was ok if she asked some very personal questions. I'm a very honest and open person, so I said it was fine.  The questions she asked me, or rather, the answers I gave to the questions she asked me - shook me to my core.   I'd barely got over accepting that I'd given the answers I had, when she said to me "I think you're suffering with severe anxiety and depression".  I was floored. 

That's not me. I'm not the type of person who suffers with depression. I'm stronger than that. I'm able to manage me.  All this and more was flooding my train of thought as my doctor was talking to me.  It's hard, but sometimes, just pausing and taking a step back to look at yourself is tremendously important. Only then can you really see what's happening - and to me - it was depression.

FFWD

An AWFUL lot has happened between me being broken in 2003, and the present day in 2017.  Almost all of it good, too!

I am remarried to the most incredible woman anyone could possibly have. She is my best best friend, soulmate and confidante.  We have a 9 year old son and he is an utter joy to be around. He adores his older (half) brothers and sisters and they feel the same way about him, too. I still get to see my older children (who now live a 3 hour round trip away) in between working.

Ok, so almost all of it was good, that is true. Let me explain a bit more. I have worked for the same firm for almost 24 years. For the last 18 months, the big "R" has been looming.  Redundancy.  As is the case in a lot of areas, our jobs are going to India, for it is deemed that they can do them cheaper and more efficiently.  Cheaper - undoubtedly, more efficiently - utter bollocks.  They are marvellous at following a set process - who isn't? But once that process deviates from the "norm", they're screwed.  In the last 6 months, several attempts have been made to permanently remove our positions and set them sail for India. It IS happening soon - it's just a question of when.

For several years, I've been a School Governor, most recently being elected to serve as Vice Chair of Governors, which is something I am very proud of.  About a month ago, our Chair of Governors had to step down for personal reasons. Given that I am Vice Chair, the natural process is that I am, albeit on an interim basis, the Chair of Governors.  Now that position is not one that I seek to have. I have specifically excluded myself from being nominated over the last few years - despite pleas from my peers.  That weighs very heavy on my shoulders. Very heavy.

Closer to the current day, yet further, and I was chatting with my eldest daughter who is now 20.  She mentioned in passing that she was pregnant.  Pregnant! My little girl - pregnant.  It is no exaggeration to say that my world almost stopped spinning. Everything went in to slow motion and became blurry.  

Now that I've typed those words, I've just realised - that was the beginning.

Staring At A Blank Page

This is what I've been doing for the last thirty minutes or so.  Occasionally, I'll throw a load of words down, then delete them and start over again.

It's difficult to know where to start really.  There isn't a specific place or time when things started going wrong for me.  When I say me, I don't mean me, I mean the other me; the other me in my head.  I sound like an absolute lunatic now, let me try and clarify things for you.  I'm not clinically "mad".  I have been diagnosed as suffering from severe depression and anxiety.  There, I said it.  Maybe now I can move on.

Thirteen years ago, I split up from my first wife.  Not being with her was the single best thing that could have happened to me at that time.  The extended ramifications, less so.  She is the mother of four of my children, and all of a sudden, I wasn't living with them any more. I wasn't there for them every single day of their lives, like I had been up to that point. The getting them up, washed, dressed and fed before school. The listening to them read before bed. The hearing them cry in the night when they were unwell, and fetching them medicine to make them feel better. For all these things and so many more - I wasn't there any more.

I did continue to see them regularly, however. After we split up, I rented a place locally to them, so was able to have them to stay once a week, fitting in around work.

Why is any of this relevant, I hear you ask.  Well, because within months of leaving them (not her), I began to have what I now believe to be a breakdown of sorts.

I found myself sitting in work, and noticing tears rolling down my face for no apparent reason.  It happened day after day and got to the stage where I was genuinely freaked out.  I visited my GP, who was a close family friend and knew of my circumstances, and he immediately referred me to a counselling service.  I visited the most relaxed, caring woman you could ever wish to meet. She sat there, listening whilst I cried and sobbed my way through the first 3 or 4 hour long weekly sessions.  After a few months, the crying eased off, and eventually, I knew I was better. Bizarrely, she pinpointed the root cause of my anxiety as being the death of my beautiful mum, back in the late 1980's.  I never grieved for her death, opting instead to be strong for everyone else.  I was 13.  The whole moving out and not living with the four human beings I loved more than anything was too much, and - it broke me.